Category Archives: Humor

On the Subject of Cooking

Posted by dkrashb on

On the subject of cooking (which, believe me, I will have nothing more to say about after this), as I was digging through old photos for evidence that I can cook, I stumbled across this series of action shots.

My nephew, already a better cook than me by the time he was 10, was having a birthday and I just happened to remember that I’d seen the perfect recipe for his birthday cake. It was a cat-box cake.

Given my nephew was a big fan of those nasty jelly bellies that came in favors like vomit and boogers, I figured the cat-box cake would be quite the hit. He got very excited about the project.

My sister-in-law, always a good sport and often an instigator, got fully behind the plan to serve a cake that looked like a cat box desperately in need of a cleaning. She even went to the store and purchased a brand new litter box and scoop for the purpose of adding authenticity.

Then, my nephew, with me reading the recipe to him just so I could feel like I was helping, proceeded to grind ginger snaps and sugar cookies to make the “litter,” mixing some with green food coloring for the “fresh crystal” look. Then, the crumbs were mixed with pudding to make them moist and hold it all together. After assembling the whole thing, the coup de GRAS was the tootsie rolls warmed in the microwave enough to allow them to be formed into a disgusting “plop” shape.

When my nephews friends finished dinner and at long last were ready for dessert, my sister-in-law made an offhand comment about needing to change the litter box and headed back toward where the real cat boxes were kept. She had cleverly hidden the cake in a very separate place that was in the same general direction. Then, much to the boy’s shock and dismay, placed the fake cat box on the table.

Everyone stared, clearly with wheels rapidly turning, trying to figure out why Megan had just set a dirty litter box on the table. They’re bright boys–they suspected some kind of joke.

Eventually, it became clear to all that this was not a cat box at all but an actual, edible dessert. Then, the boys all dug in, taking great joy in being as disgusting as possible while eating the offensively shaped tootsie rolls.

I was my nephew’s favorite aunt for at least half an hour.

I took pictures of virtually every step of the process. My nephew hammed it up for the camera, too. But the shot I love the most is of my nephew gnawing on a disgusting looking chunk of tootsie roll that has cookie crumbs stuck all over it. I guess it’s true about what they say when it comes to photography: in the end, it’s not about the exposure, composition, or number of pixels. It’s about the moment–even a disgusting one.

Yes, I Can Cook

Posted by dkrashb on

After many days, weeks, or maybe even months of pleasantly letting trivial little disagreements slide by, suddenly some little nothing seems so important that we go to great lengths to prove we’re right.
Pat and I recently had a conversation that started when a new acquaintance offered to give me a recipe even though Pat was standing right next to me.

Later, when we chuckled about how often people erroneously assume I would be more interested in a recipe than Pat, I felt the need to remind my husband that I used to feed myself quite well. The conversation went like this:

“I can cook!” said I.
“Since when?” said he.
“I used to cook all the time.”
“Honey, what you did is called warming ingredients. You can’t really cook.”

I, who take great pride in my grilled cheese masterpieces as well as my incredibly fluffy scrambled eggs, decided I was going to have to dig deep to find photographic evidence that U have more than basic warming skills.

Thankfully, the first Thanksgiving after I got my trusty old PowerShot G3 was also the first (and last) Thanksgiving we invited Pat’s family to our house and I did the cooking.

Some may argue that having to go back 9 years might seem more like evidence that you can’t cook (especially since no one came back). However, I contend that everything in that meal was delicious, from the assorted cheeses and crudités for starters to the perfectly roasted turkey, to the freshly baked pumpkin pie. Oh, wait, Pat’s mom made the pie. And probably the stuffing. Pat made the mashed potatoes. But I, and I alone, made the turkey, the gravy, the green bean casserole, the vegetables, and the sweet potatoes.

Huh.

Funny thing . . . I just realized I really did just heat all the ingredients. Don’t tell Pat.

As I was looking at the photos, I recall seeing a show on photographing food. I believe it was actually a show on careers and the career was “food make up artist.”

The food make up artist demonstrated making a fast food burger look good. It was quite clever. She was required to use the same portion of food as is actually used to make the product we buy. However,she kept the burger looking huge by simply searing it just long enough to turn it brown, but not cooking away the fat, keeping it from shrinking. Then, she split it in the back so she could spread the burger out to fill out the front. By shooting at a low angle from the front, the burger not only looked bigger, but all the stuff she’d dome to make it look that way was completely out of sight.

Explains a lot about those fast food burgers.

I think my turkey might not look so appealing because it tasted good. To make it really beautiful, it would have had to have been raw inside.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Lost Lamb

Posted by dkrashb on

We interrupt the regularly scheduled program for this emergency alert:  Lamb is Lost.

Last seen approximately 2 weeks ago, she disappeared about the same time as ‘Possum.  Authorities initially suspected the two had run off together, shunned from their community because of the tabu associated with inter-species couples, especially one with such size disparity.

However, ‘Possum was recently located hiding out in a dark, secluded spot under the sofa.  While it appears ‘Possum may have suffered from anxiety related to the recent introduction of Big Dog into the family, he otherwise was unharmed.  Upon being selected for the morning walk earlier today, ‘Possum appears to have fully recovered.

Lamb, however, remains at large.

The once-favorite of Tisen, Lamb was accustomed to being selected for walks, a top honor, at least once each day.  However, the introduction of ‘Possum, followed by Baby Beaver, Lion, and most recently, Big Dog, greatly reduced Lamb’s popularity.

It’s unclear whether Lamb became disgruntled with her reduced status prior to her disappearance.  All members of the community have been questioned, but all refuse to talk.

Lamb’s general willingness to squeak with only the slightest pressure from Tisen, along with her soft wool providing significant comfort advantages for Tisen when carrying her in his mouth, Lamb quickly achieved Top Dog status.

Additionally, Lamb never embarrassed Tisen by hanging in an unseemly fashion from his mouth, dragging on the ground or tripping Tisen.  Although Red Dog and Squirrel were previously banished for such offenses, Tisen continues to select ‘Possum and Mr. Beaver for walks even though they are occasionally guilty of poor form.  Similarly, Tisen continues to attempt to walk Big Dog, but Tisen’s parents thwart each attempt.

In spite of Lamb’s superior aptitude for fitting in Tisen’s mouth and squeaking, she had begun to look unkempt.  She was described by one witness as “having crusty spots with pieces of mulch stuck in them.”  Authorities suspect that Lamb was suffering from some level of neglect and may have fallen into a deep depression, preventing her from grooming properly.

It’s possible the disappearance of ‘Possum preceded Lamb’s, contributing to Lamb’s depression.  The two were often seen together and some witnesses imply they may have had an “unnatural” relationship.  These rumors were what originally led authorities to suspect an illicit affair.

Others speculate that this is a sick ploy on the part of Lamb to demonstrate to Tisen just how important she is.  Lamb may have gambled that Tisen would be so distraught without her that, upon her return, she would be his favorite once more.  If this really is Lamb’s intention, she may find it back-fired upon her return.

Rather than moping and looking for Lamb, Tisen is content to carry ‘Possum, Lion, Minnie, Baby Beaver, and Mr. Beaver in her place.  It’s unclear that Tisen has even noticed her disappearance.

If you see Lamb or anyone who closely resembles her, please comment below.  We need to find this lost lamb before Tisen completely forgets her.

A Mini Krash

Posted by dkrashb on

Perhaps this is a good time to mention that I am extraordinarily clumsy.  In fact, I was given the name “Krash” many years ago by some friends who were amazed by my ability to hurt myself (thanks, Mike and Bart).  I really should have a blog dedicated to the ridiculous ways in which I’ve hurt myself.

It only follows that, on my first field trip with a new group of people, while hanging out with someone I’ve just met, I would do something embarrassing and at least mildly alarming.

After lunch at Gibbs Gardens, my cohort (let’s call him John in case he doesn’t want to be included in my blog) and I headed off to the Japanese garden.

As we walked towards an arbor-like structure, several people were gathered around looking at what turned out to be bats.  I happen to be extremely fond of bats.  I would say my fondness for bats is in direct proportion to how much mosquitoes like to bite me.  Besides, bats are really quite cute.

Two of the bats had gone astray and were clinging to the post of the structure close to the ground.  One appeared to be quite young.  I happened to have my macro lens on my camera, so there was no question but that I was going to get some shots of at least one of the bats.

I opened up my tripod’s legs so I could place my camera very low to the ground, level with one of the bats.  Then, I bent over to look through the view finder.  This is when the 40+ pound pack on my back slipped forward and conked me in the back of the head.

This is also when I discovered I had mounted my camera backwards on my tripod head.  I never really worried about which way was forwards or backwards, but now I will.  When you mount your camera backwards in the clamp on my tripod mount, there is a metal lever facing you.  This doesn’t seem like a big deal until a 40+ pound backpack smacks you in the back of the head and shoves your lip into the metal clamp.  Fortunately, I lost only a little blood and no teeth.  Poor John kept trying to find ways to carry things for me after that incident.

It reminds me of a former boss who used to watch for things I might run into and steer me around them when we were walking together.  He started this practice after I bounced off a wall turning a corner too soon while I was mid-sentence.

I’m thinking about teaching a photography workshop on how to prevent injury while shooting.  Most people probably worry about that when they’re shooting on a cliff or going on a safari in Africa or shooting for a newspaper in the middle of a war.  I have to worry about it when I bend over to look through my view finder.  But, hey, it could be a niche market.

The Green-Eyed Cyclops

Posted by dkrashb on

I find myself obsessed with a single green light.  It’s not a traffic light, a light on a boat, or a light on a dashboard.  No, this is a light on a smoke detector.  As some of you may recall, this is not the first time I’ve had a gripe with a smoke detector.  However, this time, it’s personal.

We live on a busy street near downtown Chattanooga.  The noise and the light at night are the only things I don’t like about where we live.

To combat this (short of moving), I’ve taken to sleeping with ear plugs.  I also recently found inexpensive curtains that block light, dampen noise, and provide insulation all in one.

I was so excited to hang those curtains.  When the curtain rod arrived chipped on both finials, I was too impatient to send it back.  We colored the chips in with a sharpie and hung the rod with the chips facing the wall.  No one will ever know (well, except you).

The curtains did a beautiful job blocking the light.  The room went from dusk to could-be-in-a-cave in moments.

But then, as my eyes adjusted when I laid down the first night, there, staring down at me was the green-eyed monster.  What was just another part of the ambient light in the room before the curtains is now a giant, glaring green sun beaming straight into my eyes.  I try covering my head with a pillow.  This works until I run out of oxygen.  I try sleeping on one side.  When I roll to my back in my sleep, I am rudely awakened by the green spotlight in my eyes.

Pat, apparently suffering from more eye damage than I, barely notices.  In this case, however, I can’t get angry at him for not doing anything about it because we can’t reach the thing.  I would call maintenance, but I’m sure they will tell me they have some legal obligation to keep me awake all night.

I suggest we buy one of those suction dart guns and shoot at the light until we get one to stick, covering it up.  Pat, being more practical, suggests we use a pole to stick some opaque double-sided tape over the light.  We realize we don’t have a pole.  I wonder if we could get an opaque balloon and get it to float up to the smoke detector.  Or perhaps throw a rope over the truss and pull up an open umbrella to cast a shadow over the bed.  Maybe we should get a bed with a canopy?

At this point, I don’t care if we shoot the smoke detector with a real gun–I want that green light out!  This time, I am not alone.  Tisen, too, fears the green-eyed monster.  He can’t settle down until he finds a place to hide his head.

Tonight may be the night we figure out how to put out the eye of the cyclops!